My friends here in cyber land, I wanna be frank and quite candid when I tell you what I want you to know and understand these intricate and abstract motivations towards idealizations that constrict my brain. I knew at an early age that my mind didn’t function in the normal way nearly everyone else’s did. I was weird, I was different, in a way I was better but in a lot I was not. I couldn’t combat my minds constant war with its own self. It would seek and destroy itself in ways that baffles me only then to rebuild it bigger and badder than before. In this process this often left me scared and bitter at why my body would torment itself in such a way or undergo willingly horrible down time for the better upside. The biggest problem is that my brain was often mostly in down mode, more so than up so I often conjured if it was even worth the effort, as if I had any choice. The great thing is that as I got older the building back up was quicker and I started getting more upside than down. However, the breakdown, because of years of mentally being strengthened through constant war, becomes more brutal and noticeable. It is truly strange and difficult to explain and this is the best I can explain it weather it makes any since to you or not it definitely does to me. See mental illness running in families is a genetic thing passed down from generation to generation. Sometimes noticeable and sometimes not it is all a roll of the dice to who will receive larger doses than others. Some began life afflicted and gets better due to growing up with it and develop strong coping skills to mask it and some gets attacked at full force by enemy waves later on in life then forced to battle these unexpected battles that they are not used to and find it difficult to overcome. I never win but I never lose either, well not yet but did come close four times. I must always stay battle ready and alert because I never know when or which enemy army will attack. I struggled as a child and down time consisted of daydreaming and the inability to concentrate or focus on any given subject depriving me of any capabilities to learn anything. It deprived me of studying or even test taking. I would write my name and date on the top of my test then unknowingly sink into my self and in my own world then next thing I knew ties up and felt as though I was only given two minutes to complete the whole test. While in my own world, however, I was racing trough attempting to understand things and the world around me. It wasn’t like it was a blank state I went into but always really constructive and deep concentrated thoughts about intricate and complex things. Definitely things I know good and well others my age didn’t or even had any concept of its existence like realizing in 5th grade that the universe was speeding us from its center mass epic center known as the Big Bang only my own version of it that went against the grain in comparison to the scientific world. Or that the fact that dark matter exists and works much like oxygen on Earth considering we rarely notice it and move effortlessly through it, we can’t see it except it the leaves move doe to it but it being invisible does not make it unreal. A lot of subject matter I would often ponder upon came to me before ever taking any science class with subject matter of this complexity. I knew the universe was infinite and knew it was just the biggest known cycle realizing that it’s born to die and dies to be reborn on an infinite timeframe. I always have had the biggest problem wrapping my mind around this concept and, to me, crazy driving topic of how is it possible that something has always been and always will be. It is something without a birth and without a true ending, just forever and conceiving this with the understanding that I’ll never know drives me insane because I so desperately and by nature naturally want to know. The fact never escapes me that the true horrible fact is that I’ll never know everything and especially things that are mentally and physically impossible to ever know. It bothers me that I’ll die in this short life of ours with questions still in my thinking tank, when I enter my space within my while the repairs from war is being rebuilt, and on my mind eating away at me and mocking me like a childhood bully singing nah nah nah nah nanner nanner nanner blah blah bla blah blah!
Sometimes my afflictions run concurrently and this is the really bad times because war is at its height and raging with no humanitarian restraints in my mind and my think tank is overrun to the point of nonexistence, and that’s not cool because it’s my one true escape route or quiet safe space. You’d think I’d be distant and unresponsive the way I explain it while deep in thought, however, the way to know I’m there is when I’m relaxed and in a good mood, possibly talkative and super responsive to others. It seems like a normality to others but to me I barely notice the outside world and often never remember talking to you or what about. When I was young I was just a space cadet and you could not get anything in a normal reality like other children out of me. Teachers got frustrated and disciplined me for this that wasn’t my fault. The believed I was being difficult and doing this on purpose often considering me a distraction to others although I was always quiet, to myself, and drawn into myself mostly because I was terrified of everything and everyone and shy to the point of debilitating physical and mental lockup’s. I was always super brilliant but my grades consisted of F marks and embarrassed because everyone thought I was stupid. I often always doubted myself, abilities, and intelligence. I could never explain my situation I still have problems doing so. Then I am a disabled combat veteran now and also piled upon my old disorders, whatever they maybe I was never diagnosed as a child, PTSD, manic bipolar depressive disorder, severe insomnia, anxiety and panic attacks heightened, night terrors, and borderline schizophrenia. My minds is still in full fledged combat and will be something never ending until I die but way less worse than as a child. But when many afflictions decide to show their teeth at the same time that’s when hospitalization is typically needed, possible medication charge, and full scale suicide 24 hour watch because I literally feel as though I’m going to jump out from my own skin and so uncomfortable within myself that it is truly unbearable, literally and in the sincerest since of the word. I can only think of ending that feeling ASAP and will do anything to do so. It’s a wish I’d make not even upon my worst enemy and that’s bad because my worst enemy literally attempted to kill me in a despicable way requiring reconstructive surgery and titanium plates in my face. My disorders is the reason I am a skilled and detail oriented writer, artist, and attentive loving person. I would and have gone hungry by giving my last monies to homeless on the streets and less fortunate because I knew I had a meal the next day for certain where they didn’t. I was the only kid that would share all my candy with others when I had something everyone wanted but then when the shoe was on the other foot they denied me and I was happy and content with that. I always loved being different and not following what all the rest of the heard follows just because they fear being unique and singled out. I enjoyed being singled out especially when it got me excluded from group activities because that’s what I wanted anyway unless I agreed to follow the heard and that was always because that’s what I wanted to do. I always hated when being different led to bringing attention my way though I never liked attention negative or positive really but still never stopped me from being an independent free thinker who would never let anyone strip me of my constitutional rights, though I feel as though we truly aren’t free anyways. I was the guy in high school who never had a girlfriend because I was always the one who came off as mean or mentally disturbed in a dark way, in a lot of ways truly I was, but most kids were scared of me I do think. I was quick to speak my mind and brutally and bluntly without and sugarcoating tell anyone like it was and whether you liked it or not I was always only comfortable directly smashing your feelings or angering you cold heartedly without fear or reproductions. You might be the baddest ass person in the world but if I had something on my mind and meant towards I would never think about holding back because you will have to beat me to death to get me to not try getting my point across and have you realize that respect is my only way of seeing life together. Respect me and I respect you, in fact probably be your best friend. It’s just never been my nature to let anyone get over on me purposely trying to take advantage of me or others for that matter and I’m usually pretty spot on on argued issues of who’s right or who’s wrong so when I take a side I know it’s the correct and fair way. If I’m unsure I’ll hold back but in the meantime actively pinpoint the correct way to go about solving the issue. My IQ is 137 and that’s in the top 15% of the US population and under 30 points below Einstein and this is from a kid who thought he was really dumb because of the way I was treated and perceived by teachers and kids in school. My parents could never understand and not really understand me to this day in all fairness. I’m often treated like a handicap who is incapable of fending for myself but I’d be more qualified than they are, my only problem is my constant struggle on dealing with people or customers. I always get into trouble and fired for not giving a shit and treating others as they do me. In my rule book the customer is not always right and I will not back away from my morals and be whipped by someone who knowingly is wrong just because I’m on the job. It’s the ones who are rude, know they wrong, hatful and believe they can take out their hard bad day on my and I’ll just stand there taking the mental abuse for their pleasure, especially when I’m only there and want to help them. I will 100% of the time in these situations get fired and be glad I did feeling good that I didn’t allow this upon me and know I’ll be able to live with myself. If I did nothing it would eat at me always forever and what’s bad is if I ever seen them again that built up mental abuse I’d beat myself up with alway would be built up and when released causes PTSD black out flash outs and those are rare but definitely scary. Never something you’d want to be on the business end of because easily becomes violent and it’s as if I become stronger than normal, feel no pain, rage out of control, verbally become evil along with the look with fire in my eyes and the love of seeing my own blood and seeing your face as you inflict horrid pain onto me and I laugh and invite more feeds it out of control. This is why I never fight because once I see blood I get animalistic go into beast mode. I once lifted a 250 pound gas grill and tossed it 10 yards and I’m six foot four and 170 pounds only. Once I put a punch through a solid two inch wood cypress door where the skin and meat was gone from my bones on my knuckles and never felt it or remember it. It’s like shooting someone 100 times and they keep coming at you laughing and asking for more. It’s scary. Growing up with my brain yielding a constant under construction sign with always different areas of the brain being tore down to build back up better not knowing what effects this will play was a hard thing to deal or live with. Like my brain being held hostage without your say so on or having a choice left me emotionally vulnerable never knowing how things in life will trigger my good side or bad side or rarely neutral side like at peace and uncaring about anything interrupting my life. All this is exactly why I am only in a true feeling of safety and comfort when in my tank where all the sharks are circling me and trying to get at me but nothing the world does ever disrupts this peace because it’s as if the world isn’t there. This is the only way I find true peace and deep in my own dark depts of my thoughts free to explore and develop new ideas within or discover new outlets for subjects already deeply pondered for countless hours that may explain a mystery in new ways unthought of before is always exciting and makes me really love exploring in depth with the capacity of my mind in overdrive thinking about many outlets at once at 1000 miles per hour. The chaos of this for most I believe is impossible and somewhat unique to me and this explanation semi-rant of life in my mental state is just something I have been wanting to attempt in getting started trying to explain me to others and this is a start for me in attempting to get it out to where others might understand. This only scratches the surface and perhaps others may relate with this post and/or hopefully be helpful for others experiencing the same or similar things but don’t know how to begin explaining it to anyone. I was once there as well, it’s frustrating and you feel helpless and alone with no way of becoming entrapped, forever in its grasp, and desperately lost with no sight of relief. I once read a story that captured exactly how this feeling feels. It’s about a slave who ends up a free man but as a slave on a slave ship. The ship and crew become dead in the water after a violent storm and left adrift with no sight of rescue. Supplies because scarce as they all linger slowly dying when the decision is made to throw some over board to prolong the more important ones of the crew ranks lives so anchors are attached to each arm of the unlucky victims and tossed overboard. It is then the young man realizes he was immortal and couldn’t diee. He inhaled the sea water and it burned Ike fire but never died He landed at the bottom on his back and the water was just shallow enough to see the sun as it traveled across the sky day after day. He could never moves due to the weight of his anchor chains so he was stuck there with no options available. Years turned into decades, decades into centuries and before he knew it his watery prison had held him for now 5000 years and the only monotony breaking activity he had was watching and counting the time buy the suns movement day in and day out. He eventually is found but imagine this situation and this I don’t believe I could bare with mentally but I would and do bare with it unknowingly how but it is what it is.